Chasing Laura

 I wrote this in Feb 2000 not long after Jennifer Baumgardner's (ManifestA co-author with Amy Richards) Bedroom Interview of Amy Ray debuted on line at Nerve magazine.  I was struck mute & sleepless by the following sentence describing Amy's bedroom ~~>  ". The entire room is scrubbed and spacious and empty-feeling -- the kind of place where Laura Ingalls Wilder might cheerfully have masturbated.-- Jennifer Baumgardner". 

The idea of Laura Ingalls masturbating did something disturbing to my brain.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't stop thinking about it yet I couldn't really PICTURE it either & I got really afraid of my head when I tried. 

So, purely in defense, I wrote the following piece of trash; if you read the original article this will make a hell of a lot more sense.  If you didn't, it's still pretty fucking funny. 

(I hate disclaimers, but this one demands it.  Amy's real.  Jennifer's real.  Laura was real but now she's dead.  I do not have a weird sex thing going for Laura, Amy or Jennifer.  I have never masturbated in any of their bedrooms although I am still young yet & masturbate a LOT, so check back.) 

In order to get Laura Ingalls to do this interview with me I had to have sex with her.

Before and after. And then she insisted we go fishing and over to Mr. Olson's store to pick out new gingham and calico, which I agreed to do in order to bring this historical piece of literature into your hands. Since we've known each other since 1800 something this did not seem too selfish a request on her part. Laura Ingall's bedroom is small and cute (much like Laura herself). The bed is wood, unvarnished pine, fashioned by the calloused hands of Pa, and the mattress is unbleached muslin stuffed with dried grasses and corn husks stripped from the cobs by Ma and Mary and Laura herself. I can't help but notice what a noisy bed it is, and I perch tentatively on the edge of it, nervous at the near proximity of Ma and Pa's room just below us. There is only one window set into the plain unpainted wooden walls which are bare of any art-work creating a rather monkish, stark atmosphere, but the view below us is extravagantly green and lush with rolling hills dotted with wild flowers and huge trees leading the way to Walnut Grove.

I decide to leap right into my interview with Laura with the question which has been
gnawing at my brain stem for nigh unto 12 hours now.

G: Is it true you masturbated in Amy Ray's bedroom?

L: What? (laughs) Oh my goodness, no! That Jennifer! That Nerve article that mentioned me, right? (shakes head, still laughing) You know, you just make a casual joke at a cocktail party and the next thing you know you're masturbating on pine floors beneath framed pressed flowers, for heaven's sake. (Pauses) But if I were to masturbate there I would of course do so cheerfully. (Grins)

G: Um, okay... cool. So there is no truth to this rumor about you and Amy?

L: No, no. I mean, I enjoy her music and appreciate her talent but that's as far as it goes. Of course I have no idea what she might have been doing in HER bedroom while reading the Little House series. Not any of my business either.

G: So now that we have that all cleared up... What sort of person ARE you attracted to?

L: Well, you know I married Almanzo Wilder.

G: Yes.

L: So, obviously I'm attracted to big hairy farmer boy types. With suspenders.

G: Oh. Well, sure.

L: Although, since I know you are so ambivantly confuseated about your own sexuality at this point in your life I will go ahead and just 'fess up to you that I did have an incredible crush on my teacher, Miss Beadle.

G: (shocked yet again) You did???

L: Oh, yeah. If you go back you'll see I devoted many, many chapters to her and she was the reason I decided to become a teacher and a writer in the first place. I think we're all as human beings just SEXUAL, you know? And whatever stupid little prefix society or families or whatever makes you stick in front of it is just another little box they're forcing you into. And boxes are even smaller than closets.

G: Hmmmm. Interesting. I was just sitting here, pondering this, and I realized that the word "prefix" is rather contradictory in and of itself... "pre" means "before" or "prior to" and "fix" is synonymous with "solution" so what does that word mean exactly? Before the solution? Prior to the problem? What is that about? How can you fix something before you get there? Why is there already a problem developing? Isn't that just asking for trouble, looking for it?

L: G, please. Focus. Try to concentrate here. If you insist on going off on Mental Tigger Tangents we'll never get this done!

G: Oh, woops. Sorry.

L: It's okay. You experimented with drugs a bit, didn't you?

G: What?

L: Your attention span leaves a lot to be desired, dear. It's obvious. There's a lot of activity betwixt your ears but it's all in fits and spurts and darting little sparks. Do you ever complete an actual thought?

G: Well, no~~ I mean, sometimes, sure. Yeah. But~~ I get accused of that a lot actually, come to think of it. Do you think that's some form of ADD or you~~ You really think maybe that's like old brain cells kicking off? I didn't do all THAT many drugs. I've got this friend Kirby and he says~~ Hey, wait a minute. I'm the Interviewer Ms. Ingalls. I'll ask the questions here, thank you very much.

L: (smiling) Fine. Ask me anything.

G: Okay. I've got this theory about Mr. and Mrs. Olson....

L: And?

G: Be honest with me here... It was a total S&M thing, right? It's the only explanation for how and why they stayed together. I mean, she was such a total bitch, man, and he was so meek and sweet and "yes, dear-y", all that shit. Oops! I said "shit"~~ Is that alright?

L: It's not a word I use frequently, but I don't have a problem with it.

G: Um, okay. Thanks. So~~ Am I right?? The Olson's? Bondage and stuff?

L: Oh, yeah. Definitely. He was always purchasing new whips and chains under the pretext of it being for the sawmill and the stables but everyone in Walnut Grove knew what was going on.

G: (crowing) I knew it!! I knew it!! She probably had one of those leather corset thingies too!!

L: (making a face) ......Ewwwww. Don't go there.

G: Okay. So, did you ever sneak anyone up here to your room?

L: Are you serious? This is a one room cabin for fuck's sake. The ladder's bottom is down in Pa and Ma's room. And I have to sleep with my sister.

G: Oh yeah. Bummer. Forgot about that. Plus that corn husk mattress...

L: Yeah. TOTAL Bummer. But, remember... We had a great big barn away from the house. With a loft.

G: (visibly perkier now) Oh yeah! Cool! Um, Okay~~ I know there was no such thing as a "rock star" in your day, or posters either, but if you could have had a picture of one hanging on your bedroom walls... who would it have been?

L: Well, you know, Mr. Edwards played a mean fiddle in his day and I did keep this little sketched flyer of this barn dance he played...

G: (laughing) Really?

L: Sure. But you know, I'd have to go with David Cassidy. Or Amy Ray. They are two different people, correct?

G: Um, yeah. I mean, I think. I've never met either of them. I've never seen them
photographed together either come to think of it...

L: That whole shirt thing... And the hair, the eyes~~

G: Yeah. I know. Same birthday too. Wild.

L: Yes. (pauses) I wonder what Miss Beadle would have looked like in polyester and big collars.....

G: So, is this the part where I put your hair in little pig-tails now?

L: Are you insane? It's already braided, & up in a bun, you freak.

G: Oh, yeah. So, you want to do mine?

L: Alrighty. Hand me those calico ribbons. And get off that noisy bed.

G: Yes, ma'am.

L: And put your glasses on too.

G: Hey~~ You're just using me because you missed out on Miss Beadle, aren't you?

L: Oh, hush. You got your interview, didn't you?